Arrivals & Departures:
Handling socio-emotional situations towards altruism
In traditional societies, due perhaps to restricted physical movement, older people generally reduce their circle of acquaintances. They live in familiar set ups, with familiar people. They hardly meet new people. This makes their life less interesting perhaps, but in terms of socio-emotional aspects their situation is understandably less complex.
The beginning of later years is often marked by an experience of arrivals and departures in relationships. If the later years begin at the time of retirement, this stage is marked by an experience of saying good-bye to friends and colleagues at the place of work. At this stage many retired people may become members of church based groups or other interest groups, where they are exposed to new acquaintances. In the developed world, due to easy access to transport, (and thanks to the freedom pass for the senior citizens!), elderly people might travel more, and often for reasons beyond work or business. Travelling exposes them to new people. Ultimately, in the late-later years, many are forced to leave their own homes and move into care homes. This is like entering a boarding school where one is suddenly exposed to people of different temperaments, backgrounds and need. Thus, entering a care-home is not only a moment of goodbye to familiar surroundings – home and people (for some, it would have meant leaving the home where they lived all their lives), but also a moment of new arrivals. How can we handle this new situation that calls for greater socio-emotional adjustment?
Human life is but a series of arrivals and departures. From the time we are born into this world until we say goodbye to it we are constantly invited to leave familiar people and places and move into new situations. As children we said good-bye to our parents only to meet new friends in school. As young adults when we met our lovers we said good bye to our parents and formed our own families. As we took up jobs we met new people and left them when we changed jobs. Later we saw our children say good-bye to us and begin their own lives. Then we saw new arrivals in our grandchildren. And we said tearful adieu to those who have gone before us in death, including many of our loved ones. This is the circle of life. This circle has been excessively accelerated in the urban societies. Already in the 1970’s Alvin Toffler warned us of a ‘Future Shock’, also due to a high turnover of people that we meet in urban setups. We switch jobs more often, shift residences more frequently, and travel more regularly.
Underlying these arrivals and departures is the fact that people make us and we make them. Somehow, I am a product of all the people that I have met in my life. And in that reciprocal encounter I have also left my fingerprints, ‘heart-prints’ and footprints in their lives. But sometimes these encounters have not been that smooth. It is not only that people make us, but they also break us. We feel hurt and we find difficult to forgive, or at other times we feel guilty that we have hurt others, and we have hurt ourselves by holding grudge. What is the implication of all this for people in their later years?
Letting go: towards a positive disengagement
Forced withdrawal from familiar settings in the later years, though seems painful, could serve as an opportunity for an active distancing that will allow the re-evaluation of past relationships. The theory of disengagement associated with later years was suggested by the American sociologists Elaine Cumming and William Henry (1960). Though this theory is much criticised for its negative approach to later years, it provides one possible insight in understanding old age. Much like the Indian stages of lifespan that we mentioned in our earlier reflection, according to disengagement theory, later adulthood is marked by a mutual separation between the older person and the society (as seen in retirement from work, and later entering a care-home). This disengagement is assumed to be ‘functional’, serving both society and the individual. However, this disengagement does not need to be perceived as an external behaviour, but may also be an inner attitude towards life and relationships. It is the latter attitude that is described by the four stages of the Hindu ethical system, and it this that I saw my own father live through.
It is also possible that not all people go through this phase in their life. Some people remain quite active until the last moment of their life, and many younger people wish this could happen to them. However, is being active till the end of one’s life – maintaining the same degree of engagement as in early adult life – good in itself? In the book of Genesis, we are told that God, after six days of busy schedule of creative work, rested on the seventh day. Analogically, even God needed rest. And what does rest mean for God? It was enjoying the beauty of His creation. In a sense, He disengages from his active role in creation, and continues to engage with it in a different way. I think, this is a meaningful way of understanding and accepting the disengagement of our later years. It is an engagement with life in a different way. If handled well, with due accompaniment by family people and caregivers, this stage can give us an opportunity to evaluate and consolidate our life events. Caregivers need to be sensitive to this inner process in the elderly. Some researchers (Brown & Lowis, 2003) say that withdrawal and introspection in the elderly should not be regarded as signs of unhappiness or even dementia. Forced activity and social contact, on the other hand, could lead to unhappiness for the elderly person. What the caregiver does with good intention (in forcing the elderly person to engage) could actually be interference in a developmental process. The carer needs a skill in discerning the situation of the elderly person. Being alone does not mean loneliness; and reduced physical activity does not imply laziness. The outcome of a healthy negotiation of this developmental process is enhanced wisdom and spiritual insight into the meaning of life. And it is in this process, I feel, that religion (- the church and pastors) can also play an important role. For the elderly person, religious engagement can particularly help in the process of dealing with past hurt, moving towards a spirit of reconciliation towards others, and an experience of love and forgiveness of God.
Forgiveness and Reconciliation
In an earlier section, quoting Erik Erikson, we said that the task that characterises later adulthood is integrity. This is marked by a process of life-review whereby individuals revisit old conflicts from a new perspective. The underlying aspect in this process is forgiveness and reconciliation. St Paul says, “Never let the sun set on your anger!” Perhaps he was meaning daily act of forgiveness. Considering a larger picture of lifespan development, we can also say that the sun should not set in our lives on our anger. The quietness and disengagement of the later years then become an opportunity for dealing meaningfully with our past hurt and anger.
What is forgiveness? May be we should begin by saying what forgiveness is not and in so doing clarify what forgiveness is.
- Forgiveness is not forgetting. Events of life cannot be erased from memory just by a mere wish. In fact, the human brain seems to be ‘hard-wired’ to remember negative experiences more than the positive, (because avoidance of negative situations is more important for survival than attraction towards positive ones). So forgiveness only changes the way I remember a hurtful experience. I remember it but with less anger and wish for revenge.
- Forgiveness is not condoning or justifying the wrong that has been done. An evil action remains evil. An unfair action continues to remain unfair. By my willingness to forgive I am not playing down the weight of that hurtful event, but only deciding not to be burdened by its weight.
- Forgiveness is not denial (saying, “I was wrong in getting hurt”). Though reframing of the event could help in the process of forgiveness, it is not a refusal that you really got hurt.
Forgiveness consists in positively dealing with resentment toward the offender by being willing to show mercy to that person. The outcome of this act of forgiveness is that there is a transformation of my anger and a deep respect for that person as a member of the human community (Enright, 2001).
What is reconciliation? Reconciliation is different from forgiveness. Generally, reconciliation follows forgiveness and has to do with a restored or renewed relationship with the person who has hurt us. Reconciliation could be the visible sign of forgiveness. It would be significant for us to express forgiveness and reconciliation in concrete ways, especially in our later years: perhaps by writing letters, by meeting people face to face, or by our loving remembrance of those people.
Towards Altruism: From Legalism to Justice-and-Grace
In the journey towards the integration of the socio-emotional dimension of our lives, I think, there are three ideals that act as markers of maturity. I think of them as movements, or dynamic aspects that underpin the process towards true altruism:
- From categorisation of ‘either/or’ to the integration of ‘both/and’: when we are young we gauge situations and people in terms of black or white. But as we mature we tend to accept that most things and people lie in a mid-territory of grey areas. Children tend to see adults as either good or bad people. But as we mature we realise that most people are both good and bad.
- From doing what is just right (legal) to doing what is good: As children we are socialised into doing what is right. We don’t want to be caught on the wrong foot. One of the signs of maturity is to do what is appropriate in a given situation, that is, what is good – what helps flourishing of human life and dignity.
- From a judgement based on pure justice to an empathy that integrates grace: Justice is giving someone what they deserve. But grace is gratuitously offering them what is good for them.
Lawrence Kohlberg, an American psychologist, is known for his stage model of moral development through lifespan. He sees moral development taking place in six stages. The final stage of moral development, according to Kohlberg, is expressed in a type of moral reasoning driven by universal ethical principles. At this stage moral life is not based on fear of punishment and attraction towards self-interest, nor is it led by conformity to social norms and eagerness to maintain law and order, but it is led by a deep respect for human life and dignity. This moral maturity may begin with a willingness to honour the social contract, but ultimately the daily decisions are led by conscience mixed with a sense of duty. Beyond this stage, according to me, there is an expression of Christian perfection that is led by compassion.
In his Sermon on the Mount, according to the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus says, “You must therefore be perfect, just as your heavenly father is perfect” (Mt 5:48). What is perfection? Luke renders this same verse more explicitly perhaps in an attempt to explicate Christian perfection: “Be compassionate just as your Father is compassionate” (Lk 6:36). This image of God as one who perfectly blends justice and grace, and that we are invited to imitate him, is so central to the New Testament. There are several examples of this: the parable of the Good Samaritan (Lk 10:25-37), the parable of the workers in the vineyard (Mt 20:1-15), and most of all, the story of the Prodigal Son (Lk 15:11-32). In this story, the elder son was always doing what was right. He says, “I never disobeyed one of your orders.” And he applies a law of justice to his younger brother. But the father invites him to add a large dose of grace. Unfortunately at the end of the story this dutiful son opts out of the party. We, on the contrary, want to be part of the party – the party of this life and the next. The only way to enjoy this party, it seems to me, is to add a large dose of grace to justice. This is altruism.
(c) Sahaya G. Selvam, December 2009